Tarellethiel's Blog - The Hidden Girl
 

Hi everyone! In case you don't know me, I'm Tarellethiel. JD suggested I make a blog some time ago, but I hadn't yet met the 100 post requirement. Now I have, so I decided to start one.

Just some introductory stuff or my future posts may not make much sense. So I'm currently fourteen and have just moved to a new area. I unfortunately identify with a gender that does not match my birth sex. That is commonly called transsexuality, the 'T' in LGBT. Basically, I have the body of a male but the brain of a female. Trust me, it's horrid. Despite being grouped with Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexuality, it is not a sexual orientation. There are homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, and asexual transsexuals. They're just kinda lumped together because society is poorly educated as to what we really are. Transsexuals are not insane, eccentric, or freaks. We're just ordinary people with an unusual, misunderstood birth defect. Unfortunately for me, I'm a coward, so presently I am 'in the closet', meaning my parents and the general public do not know yet. They just think I'm a feminine, nerdy guy. Maybe one day I'll get the courage to speak up and I can be released from this prison of flesh, but so far my cowardice prevents it.

Due to all that, I have a lot of trouble making friends in person. I look very masculine (although skinny), being tall and gangly and having masculine proportions. You wouldn't guess just by seeing me, but observing me over a period of time would make it clear. My mannerisms and behavior are very feminine, making it even harder to be accepted socially. I'm a geeky, girly, physically male nerd. I'm too girly mentally for most guys to tolerate and too much of a stereotypical male nerd physically for most girls to not think I'm just trying to hit on them everytime I try to talk to them. I'm mostly alone, so I'm fiercely loyal to my friends. I would sacrifice myself to save them if faced with such a decision.

I've come out to only seven people in my life: my 12-year-old male cousin, a 13-year-old female friend who is my best friend, an 11-year-old girl who blackmails me with it sometimes, a manipulative 14-year-old guy, and three more 14-year-old guys who I was friends with. Three, the 13-year-old girl and two of the non-manipulative guys, still speak to me after I told them. I moved away but a week later, but I tried to keep in touch. I've also come out on all my online websites.

While being forced to pretend to be a guy, I am shy, withdrawn, disobedient, lazy, and antisocial. When I act true to myself, I am usually somewhat outgoing, submissive, easily excitable, and girly when I can.

Just to clear things up, I consider myself a heterosexual female. Thus, I have a male body, a female brain, and I am attracted to guys but not girls.

I recently moved to northern New Jersey from upstate New York.

I am depressed, dangerously so, to the point of being close to losing my will to live. I suspect I may be bipolar, and possibly even mildly schizophrenic. Doesn't make life any easier.

At the risk of babbling for too long, I'll end the intro there. I can't wait to meet more of you guys! Victory Road is awesome!

Well, something significant happened. I came out to my mom on Wednesday.

I was too cowardly to do so in person so I emailed her. She has since spoken to me about it several times. She doesn't want to believe it and really doesn't believe it, but really there's little I can do to change that.

I feel like a great weight has been lifted, but I'm terrified. What could result from this?

My mind is all muddled right now, so I'm just gonna end it here if I may. Wish me luck!

My mom sat me down yesterday and told me she didn't believe me at all, and that I was just confused.

But I know who I am.

I don't even know what to do anymore...

Perhaps she's the one who's delusional, she wants to believe that you were joking. This isn't something that most people can accept in a couple days, it will likely take weeks. Just keep reaffirming to her what you are and everything will fall into place. ^^

Well, stuff happened today. My dad started yelling at me again and I temporarily lost the will to live. I started saying my goodbyes in texts to my friends, then my dad cut off the Internet because I was grounded so a conversation involving me saying goodbye ended abruptly. One friend called 911.

The police came with an ambulance, and I was taken to the hospital. We had to wait like two hours for the psychiatrist to finally talk to me. She told me to continue seeing my therapist and maybe start seeing a psychiatrist. Two hours later, they finally let me go.

I missed the 50th anniversary Doctor Who special. It was upsetting.

So my parents know I'm suicidal now, which is the opposite of fun. I wonder how life will change from now on...

That hurts me that someone would have to go through something like that :cry:. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers. God'll work it out. :mrgreen:

It's been a loooooong time since I posted here.

I had a bit of a depression scare that led to the school getting involved and sentencing me to intensive after-school therapy, about 3 hours a day five days a week. That's why I've been slow with my Gym, which I apologize for. I have very little time to do things weekdays.

However, the therapy place is understanding of my condition and I'm improving, although gods know how my family will handle that part of the news. They won't approve of my sharing that with the therapy staff.

This is an incredibly tough situation :( but please don't ever lose the will to live, as there are and always will be millions of things to live for. I know its easier said than done but you should have more confisence in who you are! Everyone is equally special and unique regardless of what society has to say and that's the truth!

A few months ago I started talking to my cousin. She's a little younger than me and we see each other relatively often because she doesn't live very far from my location, but we never really talked. When we started to, we became fast friends. She was incredibly supportive of me and was helping me make plans to both deal with my current situation and try to improve it. She shared with me some LGBT problems of her own, and I did my best to help.

Then she came out to her parents, as bisexual. They reacted worse than mine did to my transsexualism. She sent me one more text saying little more than it went badly, and has avoided me since. She hasn't spoken to me. Something must have happened. She's very sensitive, and I fear her parents terrified her into silence. I'm not sure what to do, or if I can do anything.

In brighter news, with the help of friends I've started to explore my feminine side. I'm working on my voice and learning about things like makeup and whatnot. I'm enjoying it, but some things still haunt me. I fear for my cousin. And, of course, I can't express any femininity when my parents are around for fear of punishment.

I don't get why people need to put people in boxes, if your familiar with phycology you'll have a better idea of what I'm talking about. I can understand a little what it's like but that's secondary experience, both my dad and to a greater extent my brother have trouble with the idea of homosexuality, I am hetrosexual so I haven't had to deal with it but it's interesting to see their reaction when I say I'm going to hang out with Cat. I certainly hope that your better able to get your parents to understand that it is the reality of how things really are.

I do hope that things are alright with your cousin again. It's hard not being able to talk to someone who is helping you cope with people who refuse to accept this is how it is.