#2
|
||||
|
||||
I don't think anyone on VR knows that I'm actually a pretty good poet as judged by my teachers and colleagues. So after seeing this thread, I might actually give it a shot and display some of my works later.
Now, I must say that you've done a good job on your three poems; I think "So Much For My Happy Ending" is the best one out of them. Here's a couple of comments on your style of poetry, and you may or may not take them into consideration: 1) I noticed that you tend to add... wacky or cliché sentences/words which kinda ruin the flow of the poem. Examples include: "Which isn't my cup of tea" - the first poem is full of attitude and this sentence takes away from the seriousness of the words. "You were just full of poo" - again, this is pretty informal and kinda sounds childish. "You never gave a ****" - wow, I was reading the poem going like: "This poem has a unique, sarcastic, almost complacent tone to it" and then this sentence popped up. I just get the feeling that it's too strong for this poem. 2) Something which I FINALLY learned to overcome is "fit-in rhyming", where people slap words which rhyme with the previous line but at the same time feel 'wrong' or even silly in some situations (not yours, though). The most obvious example is "shoo" for me, since it took some of the last sentence's "weight". This is not such a big deal in your case, but it may be worth looking at. I really hope that you take my criticism constructively rather than personally. Judging from these poems, especially the third one, I think you are one of the better poets I've met recently. Keep it up and make sure to post more of your works! |
#3
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
|
#5
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
Last edited by PHANTOMxTRAINER; August 14, 2011 at 08:16:08 PM. |
#8
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
|
#10
|
||||
|
||||
Update~
Reflections I did not know my feelings then My emotions controlled me I wish we could trek through it again I ponder about what we could be Maybe if you accepted my apology You wouldn't be gone I would've payed my fee It would be a new dawn I wish you'd come back But that's impossible now Your dead for what I lack But I didn't know how... Myself Together Again It's been a while Since life felt this right I'd always have to fight To live my life Without strife It took a toll On my soul I was so broken My eyes were so soaken But then you came And I was put to shame But you brought me back I was stuck in my little shack I hope you never leave Because it would be hard to weave Myself together again Last edited by Elaine; September 3, 2011 at 04:39:13 PM. |
#12
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
|
#14
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
|
#15
|
||||
|
||||
I'm posting from a 3DS right now, so I'll probably edit more into this post later, but as for right now:
1)Noticed you used the line "My eyes were soaken." again in "Myself Together Again". Not really a critique as much as just a little observation of my own. 2)Shadow basically said everything I would have in regards to the first three, so I don't really have else much to say in regards to them that wouldn't now be redundant. 3)The line "Before I could stab myself with a tack.", while rhyming, breaks up the "rhythm" the poem had up to that point established, particularly due to the higher syllable count. You may want to find a replacement of sorts that adequately communicates the intent and feeling this line was meant to hold. Though obviously my own take on it, whether you decide to go with it or not is up to you. |
#16
|
||||
|
||||
Quote:
|
#18
|
||||
|
||||
Unsure
It's a damn cold night And I can't say I'm sad to see you Our friendship is kind of tight I can only hope you like me too I don't know whether to make a move or not I worry about how'd you react I really like you a lot I can see us together Maybe I'm just bluffing But I think we could make our relationship last forever |