#2
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Chapter 2 The Beginning of a new adventure At the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario:*snoozes*.... Mephiles: Hello, Mario. I shall now take over the universe. You and all of the people of the Mushroom Kingdom shall now suffer my wrath! * Mephiles opens a way to another world Luigi: Mario! With that, Mario and Luigi got teleported to another world with the Mushroom Kingdom now burned and every one else including Princess Toadstool and the others..... At City Square, Sonic: 10 chili dogs please! Mario & Luigi: WAAAHHHHH!*crash* Sonic: *swallows a chili dog and see Mario and Luigi*....Want a chili dog? At a space facility, ???: Hmm....I know this place. Mephiles: Yes, this place is none other then the space colony ark. ???: Tell me, Mephiles. What shall use this cannon for? Mephiles: We gather the hyper emeralds and the master emerald to not just destroy a world,but a universe. Metal Sonic: I like your thinking Mephiles. Back at City Square, Sonic: Mmhmm....A hyper emerald?! Mario: Hmm? Sonic: If we collect all 7 of them and the master emerald, you both can somehow go back to your world. Mario: Alright! Luigi: I'm hungry for spaghetti right now.... Sonic:....-__- ???: Hi, Sonic! Sonic: Hey, Tails! Could you give us a ride on your tornado to look for the missing hyper emeralds? Tails: Sure! So, Mario, Luigi, and Sonic met Tails and got on his tornado and were to retrive the missing hyper emeralds and the master emerald. A very long journey would be ahead of them. To be continued... Next chapter to be released: 8/14/10 |
#5
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Hey, I have a few things to say. I think that you should increase the length of your chapters and stay as far away from Script-written types.
If you have no clue what I mean, I mean change this: Sonic: *swallows a chili dog and see Mario and Luigi*....Want a chili dog? To this: Sonic swallowed his chili dog and then saw Mario and Luigi, "would you guys like a chili dog?" It could also help to be a little bit more descriptive. For example, what were Mario and Luigi doing when Sonic saw them? Were they walking towards him, talking to one another, etc... if you ever need constructive criticism I am here. I understand you may have written this because you were bored, but if you want people to be entertained by your stories, you must put a lot of thought into it. Good luck! |
#6
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