I just grabbed this off an old BBS posting, back in the early 90's. Any computer geek, programmer, or guru will probably get a good kick out of this.
Code:
Lunch, The IBM Way
I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire
new series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three
hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so
he invited me downstairs for lunch. This was my first experience in
an IBM cafeteria. Above the service counter was a menu which
began...
MMU's (Main Menu Units)
00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order condiments 00110A separately
001 Deletes seeds.
002 Expands burger to two patties.
00020A Double cheeseburger, pre-configured. Includes cheese, bun
and condiments.
001 Add-on bacon.
002 Delete second patty.
003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
001 From Single Burger.
002 From Double Burger.
003 Return credit for bun.
00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
"How would you like to order that, sir ?"
"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?"
"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?"
I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger ?"
"The patty is rated at eight bites."
"Well, how about the rest of it ?"
"I don't have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would
give you two burgers.
"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly
mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He
was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around and looking
very excited.
"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
option and without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a BLT!"
The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
attention again. "Have you decided, sir ?"
"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and
pickles with a option to substitute relish.
"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
"Thats not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product."
My sales rep butted in again.
"Thats not a supported configuration."
"Why not ?" I kept my voice steady.
"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on
it."
The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but
that's not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't
fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first
release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
I checked the overhead screen.
Fries, number 000210A, option 110, French
followed by option 120, English.
"What the hell are English Fries ?" I turned to the sales rep.
"Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."
I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle."
This confused the waitress profoundly.
"Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series 00450 Milk
Shakes." My sales rep chuckles.
"No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered
how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief.
"Your meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported ?"
"Support ?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom
of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never
forget.
"Implementation assistance ?"
"You get a waiter."
"Implementation analysis ?"
You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."
"Response Center Support ?"
"He brings it to your table."
"Extended materials ?"
"You get refills."
I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on
my way to the table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.
Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at
me and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair by the
window right away."
I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups
of chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered.
The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five
AM, four hours till my meeting with IBM I had had a vision, I did
what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
August 19, 2008, 12:59:00 AM
Lunch, The IBM Way (Computer Humor)
