Hilarious E-Mail :P

[SK]

Okay, so, this is an E-Mail that my grandma sent me.. It's a funny one. o3o

The E-Mail :D    

1.     HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?   (written by kids)



You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.

Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.  

-- Alan, age 10



No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to marry.

God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.  

-- Kristen, age 10  





2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  

--   Camille, age 10  





3.  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?  

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8  





4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?  

Both don't want any more kids.    

-- Lori, age 8  





5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.

Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.  

-- Lynnette, age 8    (isn't she a treasure)



-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.  

-- Martin, age 10  





6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.  

-- Pam, age 7 (love her)



-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.  

-  - Curt, age 7

 

-The rule goes like this:

If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.

It's the right thing to do.    

-  - Howard, age 8  





7.    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.

Boys need someone to clean up after them.  

-- Anita, age 9   (bless you child)  





8.  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?  

-- Kelvin, age 8  



And the #1 Favourite is.......  





9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

 -- Ricky, age 10

[Idno58]

Coo.
I'll take this expert advice.

[[TRDRS]PokeTrader]

LOL! That is really funny! I'll post one of mine I got a few years ago!

Funny Email! :)    

The Fart List 









The Anticipated Fart: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart. 



The Back Seat Fart: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?" 



The Barn Owl Fart: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart. 



The Bullet Fart: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. 



The Command Fart: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Nathan Martins recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. 



The Common Fart: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further. 



The Cushioned Fart: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people. 



The Dud Fart: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. 



The Echo Fart: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo. 



The G and L Fart: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone. 



The Ghost Fart: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart. 



The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, oh my," or "Well, well." There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is. 



The Jerk Fart: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart. 



The John Fart: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. 



The Lead Fart: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess. 



The Malted Milk Ball Fart: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare. 



The Oh My God Fart: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh *****, which would be understandable. 



The Omen Fart: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention. 



The Organic Fart: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best. 



The Quiver Fart: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart. 



The Rambling Phaduka Fart: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. 



The Relief Fart: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief." Very common. 



The Reluctant Fart: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances. 



The Rusty Gate Fart: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts. 



The S.B.D. Fart: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one. 



The Sandpaper Fart: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. 



The Skillsaw Fart: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. 



The Sonic Boom Fart: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off. 



The Splatter Fart: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. 



The Stutter Fart: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort. 



The Taco Bell Fart: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day. 



The Teflon Fart: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know. 



The Thank God I'm Alone Fart: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there fast! 



The Tickle Fart: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you! 

 

[SpikyEaredPichu96]

Grandmas send the best emails, in my opinion. I'll have to dig through my inbox and pick a few to post.

Edit: Ok, here's one.

The Positive Side    

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:       



  Living on Earth is expensive, 

   but it does include a free trip 

   around the sun every year. 





 







   How long a minute is 

   depends on what side of the 

   bathroom door you're on. 





 





   Birthdays are good for you; 

   the more you have, 

   the longer you live. 





 







   Happiness comes through doors you 

   didn't even know you left open. 





 









   Ever notice that the people who are late 

   are often much jollier 

   than the people who have to wait for them? 





 





   Most of us go to our grave 

   with our music still inside of us. 





 







   If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, 

   how come nothing is free yet? 





 







   You may be only one person in the world, 

   but you may also be the world to one person. 





 







   Some mistakes are too much fun 

   to only make once. 





 









   Don't cry because it's over; 

   smile because it happened. 





 





   We could learn a lot from crayons: 

   some are sharp, some are pretty, 

   some are dull, some have weird names, 

   and all are different colors....but 

   they all exist very nicely in the same box. 





 







   A truly happy person is one who 

   can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 





 







   Have an awesome day, and 

   know that someone 

   who thinks you're great 

   has thought about you today!.. 













   "And that person was me."..... 

   Please don't keep this message 

   to yourself.....send it to those 

   who mean so much to you.... "NOW".. 



 Working for God on earth does not pay much,



but HIS Retirement plan is out of this world. 

[FreezeWarp]

Originally Posted by SK

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

In my state it's 16 ;D

[11Trident11]

I did a slight change to an e-mail my friend sent me but here it is:
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL ? ? ?

Try it without looking at answers:

(1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

(2) Multiply by 3 then

(3) Add 3, then Multiply by 3 again.(I'll wait while you get the calculator.)

(4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

(5) Add the digits together.

NOW SCROLL DOWN
.................................................. ...............................
.................................................. .....................
.................................................. .
.......................................
............................
....................
...............
.........
.....
.........
....................
...............................
......................................
................................................
.................... .......................................
.................................................. ......................
.................................................. .................................
.................................................. ........................
.................................................. ..............
.................................................. ...
..........................................
....................................
..........................
.......................
..................
.............
.........
.......
....
...
..
.

Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Jacob Zuma

4. Tom Cruise

5. Bill Gates

6. Ghandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9.11Trident11

10. Barack Obama



I know...I just have that effect on people---one day you too can be like me.... Believe it!

PS: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it !!!!

[.name//Technomancer]

11. Nikola Tesla

A challenger appears! D:

[Idno58]

fffffffffffffffffffff
You cheater


EDIT
No. Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris

[SpikyEaredPichu96]

"Groan".......

[FreezeWarp]

Originally Posted by 11Trident11

I did a slight change to an e-mail my friend sent me but here it is:
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL ? ? ?

Try it without looking at answers:

...

1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Jacob Zuma

4. Tom Cruise

5. Bill Gates

6. Ghandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9.11Trident11

10. Barack Obama



I know...I just have that effect on people---one day you too can be like me.... Believe it!

PS: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it !!!!

...Well, yes, when the only possibilities are multiples of 9, between 18 to 90, this would make sense. Additionally, no number choice would produce a three digit number.

y = 3(3x+3)
y = 9x + 9
y = 9(x+1)

Note that for lazy people 9 times x + 1 will also work

[NismoZ]

Originally Posted by 11Trident11

I did a slight change to an e-mail my friend sent me but here it is:
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL ? ? ?

Try it without looking at answers:

...

Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Nelson Mandela

3. Jacob Zuma

4. Tom Cruise

5. Bill Gates

6. Ghandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Hitler

9.11Trident11

10. Barack Obama



I know...I just have that effect on people---one day you too can be like me.... Believe it!

PS: Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it !!!!

CHANGIN' THE RULES, 1-10!

I got 18, and since that is unfilled I get to fill it with myself.

[Jaredvcxz]

I got you .-.

[SpikyEaredPichu96]

Wait a sec...

1x3=1, 1+3=4, 4x3=12

1+2=3
I didn't get you!

[Kirby-Chan]

Originally Posted by SK

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Most of them made me chuckle especially the last one because you know that's really true.

And I add up all the numbers and got........ 11Trident11. Hey at least it wasn't Hitler.

[SK]

You get Trident every time, that's the way it works

If you don't then you fail at math

[Ultimazone]

Originally Posted by SpikyEaredPichu96

Wait a sec...

1x3=1, 1+3=4, 4x3=12

1+2=3
I didn't get you!

But 1x3 is 3, not 1, you did get him.

(1x3=3, 3+3=6, 6x3=18, 1+8=9)

[The Tropius of Tropiuses]

I GAWT JACOB ZUMA! All you have to to do is use 3. Oh how I love you, 3! <3

[SpikyEaredPichu96]

Originally Posted by Ultimazone

But 1x3 is 3, not 1, you did get him.

(1x3=3, 3+3=6, 6x3=18, 1+8=9)

Oh, jeez... I HATE when I do that.

[Quadcentruo]

Kids these days... they have the answer to everything just by watching their parents do stupid things.

[MultiWishMaker]

Kids say the darndest things!!

[SpikyEaredPichu96]

Are you guys making fun of me?

[MultiWishMaker]

Originally Posted by SpikyEaredPichu96

Are you guys making fun of me?

No

[SpikyEaredPichu96]

Ok. It just looked like it.

[Quadcentruo]

Originally Posted by Quadcentruo

Kids these days... they have the answer to everything just by watching their parents do stupid things.

I will let you people debate whether this is a complement or an insult.