I can't control my anxiety

[Armed Floatzel]

It's reached a point where I can't stop it anymore and it's crippling. I've tried talking to my parents and getting help from them but they just play mind games with me. I can't trust them not to blow up at everything I say to them. I've tried everything I can think of right now.

I can't drive, I have no friends IRL who I can talk to, and I spend at least 22 hours a day in my bedroom. My parents don't like my "bad" behavior so they continue to take all of their anger out on me. I was just told my dad's coming home in a few days (oh joy ;_; ). He told me over the internet that he understands me better, but it turns out he hasn't changed. He still carries on with the same destructive correction that's only making my anxiety and paranoia worse. I keep telling him it doesn't work and it's only putting both of us in a worse state, but he doesn't listen to me and keeps telling me that I'm the one to blame for my behavior.

And mom is just cheering him on like a high school girl. She isn't even moved by the fact that I only eat one meal a day most of the time, and that I sleep twice in the same day and stay up the next two days. Get this: dad told me that this was "unhealthy." No way... >_>

My problems started shortly after graduation, especially when I turned 18 on the same month. I sometimes get the feeling that my parents only cared about me before because they had a legal obligation to raise me, and even then we had some serious problems. Now they're telling me if I don't like them to move out. I can't even *buy* a house, a car, or pay any bills. I don't have an income, I can't drive, and my short-term memory is *so* bad, I don't even remember to eat. How in god's name could they expect me to cope on my own?

I'll give you an idea of what problems for me on a typical day are:

1: I'm in my bedroom more than anywhere else on the planet, sometimes for the entire 24 hours in a day.

2: I can't trust anyone in my family to take me seriously.

3: I have frequent anxiety attacks and on more than one occasion I've had a nervous breakdown.

4: Sometimes what starts out as an argument between mom or dad and me can lead to thoughts of suicide, but nobody takes this seriously and my parents have even mocked me for thinking this way.

5: I'm 19 years old and I can't even bring my own folder with me where I want to take it. The last time that happened, dad insisted I put it in the car. All it contained was some pictures and drawings of Pokemon and things like that. Does it really bother him that much?

6: It's extremely hard sometimes for me to describe what's going on in my mind, but imagine if a normal person had thoughts rushing through their mind, compared with me, it would be like Katrina vs the Great Red Spot on Jupiter.

7: I've been having more nightmares and creepy dreams lately and I can't relax after some of them. Hey, wouldn't you be spooked if you were attacked by two skeletons and a zombie? Or getting a glimpse of part of an abandoned house that could creep out even Chuck Norris? What about a room with a black floor and a purplish hue where strange, unorthodox undead noises were coming from the walls and ceiling? Words can't describe what I have to live through in my sleep as well as my waking hours.

8: No matter how hard I try or who I talk to, nothing changes. People tell me online that everything will be better and things will change. But nothing has for the past 15 months. I've only been getting worse and worse and now I can't even control myself when I'm like this. All rational thinking and self-control just goes out the window and I start acting like a freak who just saw the ghost of Osama Bin Laden.

9: Believe it or not, I actually use a blanket as a comfort object. Sometimes it helps to relax me when I wrap something soft around me. I like to imagine it as my favorite Pokemon who's always there for me if I need sympathy.

10: I can't find it in me to talk to mom or dad or anyone else sometimes because I'm afraid of the outcome. It's happened too many times.

I don't know who to turn to or who I can rely on for help. I have some friends who make life bearable at least most days, but no one is helping with my core problems. I've reached that point where I'm on the floor and pulling my hear in frustration, and if that goes unchecked, I might lash out at someone. And I really don't want that to happen. ;_;

I told my parents that I'm afraid of myself when my sister got away with taking money from me that mom entrusted me with. I almost beat her over the head with a plank of wood, in front of her friend no less. Next time, I might not have what little self-control I had back then.

I don't want to be this way, I hate thinking about it, and it makes me miserable. I'm a nervous wreck half the time and if someone pushes me off the deep end, I might do something crazy. I don't want to have to take matters into my own hands, god no. But what choice do I have when my family doesn't even try to help me with my anxiety?

I know this is a lot to read, but this is serious. My anxiety, paranoia and mood swings are crippling. I can't function. Do you guys have any advice for me? Some sympathy would be nice, but what I really need is practical advice I can use for when things really start to get ugly. If someone could help me cope with this at least, I'd be grateful.

[Ditto616]

I'm one that likes to analyze situations and give advice based on said situation. Now, since I don't know you on a personal level, I have to make some baseless assumptions, but I'll try to cover those by ifs and other nonsure type of words.

First of all, I would probably tell you to see a psychiatrist, but you have the problem of not having any income to do that with. You should go try to look for a job. Not only would that get you out of the house more, away from the parents you don't think you can trust, but it would allow you to go out and possibly meet some friends. Once you have a job, you can start saving up for the things you mentioned, and maybe possibly some program at a community college, or if you're feeling really ambitious, a university.

Now, I'm going to answer each of your numbered problems. Numbers correspond.

1. You can get out of your bedroom and go for a walk or something. Get some fresh air and some sunshine. It's never hurt anyone to be outside fo a not so long period of time.

2. If you can't trust anyone in your family, you've come to the right place... sort of. Sure, we'll listen to your problems here, but we aren't professionals. We can give you honest opinions but we can't say that you should follow them. Not everyone that goes to a Psychiatrist is crazy, but as I said earlier, you really can't go to one, huh?

3. I don't know what gives you this stress and anxiety exactly, but I know how it feels to be overstressed. This has happened maybe once or twice, but I swear to you when I get stressed, I get on the brink of insanity. For me, talking it out helps. I'm sure there's medicine to keep you settled down as well.

4. Again, psychiatrist, but you need money. Everything in this world seems to need money, but it can't always be found. It's always gotta be worked for. I'll stop there before I go off even more on a tangent. And no one should ever be mocked about suicidal thoughts. You should tell someone that'll listen, even if it is only here. Go on the chatbox or something. There's usually at least one person there.

5. As for that problem, all it needs is a little bit of self-confidence, and a little bit of counterargument. I mean, if they want you to move out, you should be able to do what you want to do. It's that easy of a case to make.

6. This probably accurately describes me when I'm stressed, which isn't that often. I suggest that you try to calm down once a day for maybe 10-20 minutes. Perhaps calming music or videos, or maybe something you like to do for fun just to get the turbulence out of your head. Life can't be all worrying.

7. Nightmares are dreams, and only that. If you can realize they're dreams while you're sleeping, you could make it a lucid dream, and make it the best one you've ever had. And just remember that dreams aren't real. By no means should it really bother you in your waking hours.

8. Things change, but only if you make them change. You're the one in control of your life. Nothing will ever change to you unless you change it yourself. Notice the number of yous in that particular part? It's because it need's your involvement to happen. Like you stated before, you're in your room almost 24 hours a day. Sitting in your room isn't going to change anything. Life is what you make of it, and it's a precious gift not to be wasted. You only get one of them, after all.

9. Comfort objects are alright. I find myself needing something every once in awhile. It may seem that it's the only thing you have if you think you live in a world where no one cares. It's perfectly logical. I mean, take the Companion Cube in Portal for example.

10. That's natural as well, but you need to build up the bravery to endure any outcome that may happen. You can only avoid conflict so long before it catches up to you and you actually have to do something about it at a moment's notice.

I'm almost done with this, but I'll address your last little thing that doesn't have a number. I don't know much about it, but I know sometimes I want to hit something, but I have to think about the outcome before it. What will it accomplish really? Nothing except hurting a loved one. It's an exercise of not only self control, but critical thinking. Analyzing a situation before going through with it is never a bad idea. Now, I'm not saying don't let emotions take hold, or emotions are bad or anything, but what I'm saying is that don't let your anger control you.

Now, you have my sympathy. You truly do. I've told you all that I can think of; All that has come into my head while reading your story has been typed out into this response. I can only hope this makes you feel better, and gives you the initiative to go out and do something, and given you a brighter outlook.