Autistic Lucario: ...
Autistic Lucario: *hugs*
Heather: Heyas
Autistic Lucario: I need help
Autistic Lucario: The only thing keeping me from killing myself is a thread
Autistic Lucario: and everyone I know keeps playing with that thread like a guitar string
Heather: Aw, honey, you can talk to me. ):
Autistic Lucario: In the name of God, I hope so
Autistic Lucario: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...6190505AA5yD8N
Autistic Lucario: Here's what's going on.
Autistic Lucario: I'm dying inside
Heather: It sounds like you're having what my aunt calls an out-of-body experience. Where nothing seems real and you feel disconnected from yourself, right?
Autistic Lucario: exactly
Heather: Ok, I have a question. Are you able to drive>?
Autistic Lucario: no
Heather: Hm...do you live with the family that denies your problems?
Autistic Lucario: The irony is that I have to drive to the nearest place where they can teach me how to drive
Autistic Lucario: and yes
Heather: Ok, let me think. If you could drive, I would have suggested going to a hospital without your family. But I dont know how that would make you feel.
Heather: Do you have any local friends?
Autistic Lucario: no
Autistic Lucario: I've been a loner for 17 months at least
Autistic Lucario: all of the friends I used to have are gone
Heather: Have you considered calling a suicide hotline? I can relate to how you feel but I dont know how just little me can help. ): If you lived nearby I'd invite you over...
Autistic Lucario: my parents would kick me out of the house
Autistic Lucario: In fact, they nearly called the police on me a few nights ago
Heather: I read that...
Autistic Lucario: because I tried to protect myself from dad
Autistic Lucario: There's no justice for all.
Autistic Lucario: Just for those who are well off
Heather: I think if the police were to take you, they;d HAVE to question you before putting you in jail, and they could help but you would probably be committed.
Heather: I was committed for leaving my mom certain "notes"
Autistic Lucario: A friend of mine told me I'm too sentimental to be a criminal
Autistic Lucario: "or a good one at least"
Heather: I know you're not. But I think you need to find a way of getting away from that house. Do you have any close family?
Autistic Lucario: no
Autistic Lucario: The only option I see right now is move out and rough it for the rest of my life.
Heather: Do you have a job?
Autistic Lucario: no
Heather: Hm...how old are you?
Autistic Lucario: I get disability benefits because of how debilitating this mix of mind problems are
Autistic Lucario: I'm 19
Heather: But you dont have medicine for it?
Autistic Lucario: I can't even remember basic hygiene most of the time
Autistic Lucario: other than washing my hands
Autistic Lucario: which is a habit of mine
Autistic Lucario: I do
Autistic Lucario: but that's to slow down the racing thoughts
Heather: Hm, well, my advice is to do anything you can to get away from your family because they're the demons that will kill you. Try to secretly find an aprtment. Grab a real estate paper at the local mart and hide it until you can find a small, affordable place to stay.
Autistic Lucario: I don't even have $50
Heather: Do your parents control your income?
Autistic Lucario: they own it
Heather: Your benfits I mean
Heather: I see.
Autistic Lucario: I have no say as to what happens with my money
Autistic Lucario: Mom tells me it's for my own good
Heather: Do your parents know about anything you do online?
Autistic Lucario: yes
Autistic Lucario: not much though
Heather: Would they find out if you entered a suicide chatroom?
Autistic Lucario: they already have
Heather: Oh, so they dont like it for some reason?
Autistic Lucario: because I sent a trusted friend an e-mail
Autistic Lucario: for that reason, I can't trust her anymore
Heather: Thats pretty back stabbing
Autistic Lucario: she didn't know
Heather: Oh...
Autistic Lucario: I'm a sad victim of circumstance
Autistic Lucario: And a lot of it is beyond my control
Autistic Lucario: that's why it's so hard to find someone who isn't a complete moron because they have the luxury of choice and take it for granted
Heather: There's a lot of things I could say, but not much I can do. I wish you had a way of getting out of there.
Autistic Lucario: I can think of one.
Autistic Lucario: I don't want to have to do that though
Heather: I dont want you to either.
Autistic Lucario: sadly, it looks like the only option that's doable
Heather: I might can think of something. I dont know what yet.
Heather: Have you considered extracirricular activities to get away from the home? College? Groups? Something of that sort?
Heather: And whats the story with your family and therap?
Autistic Lucario: I have neither
Autistic Lucario: And as for my family with therapy, it has been modestly successful at best.
Autistic Lucario: it doesn't come often enough
Autistic Lucario: A month is too long to wait for immediate problems
Heather: What would your mom say if you were to walk up to her and say you were suicidal?
Autistic Lucario: "Go take your medicene."
Autistic Lucario: That's exactly what she said the first time I told her
Heather: What prevented you from doing so that time?
Autistic Lucario: The value of my mind and its capabilities
Autistic Lucario: not because I had much hope or anything
Autistic Lucario: you don't just toss a diamond over a bridge
Autistic Lucario: Sadly, one man's treasure is the whole world's trash
Heather: Then you do have confidence. Thats a good start.
Autistic Lucario: it's dwindling
Autistic Lucario: If you want to get an idea of my state of mind right now
Autistic Lucario: Imagine a beautiful angel in a white dress who looks like she just came out of a brutal fight
Autistic Lucario: Looking up at the sky, scared, exhausted, and miserable
Heather: And you're that angel, ready to fly back home?
Autistic Lucario: yes
Autistic Lucario: that's the whole meaning behind my thoughts of suicide
Heather: Then do you have any beliefs in the afterlife?
Autistic Lucario: yes
Heather: Any belief of a God?
Autistic Lucario: In fact, I often feel like I'd be better off in another time period with the same mind, when thinks aren't quite as insanely wrong.
Autistic Lucario: I don't have a specific faith
Autistic Lucario: but I lean towards Christianity
Autistic Lucario: I was baptized at birth
Autistic Lucario: well, not exactly at birth
Autistic Lucario: but my point stand
Autistic Lucario: s
Heather: I see.
Heather: Let me think for a moment...
Autistic Lucario: My heart and mind are all but broken, but my soul is still intact
Autistic Lucario: My soul is priceless
Heather: Thats very true.
Heather: A soul is sacred. A heart is only temporary. But I will try to pray for you. Maybe I can get an answer from God.
Autistic Lucario: I have a friend who told me I'm a black rose among gray shades
Autistic Lucario: I chose to see the beauty in a black rose, rather than the superstitious meaning behind it.
Autistic Lucario: Unfortunately, it's standard practice in the military to assume that a picture of a black rose means death
Autistic Lucario: and my dad got fired up over it
Heather: Over what? That you said you were a black rose?
Heather: Your father is like a beast, angry, unintelligent and ignorant.
Autistic Lucario: I only showed him a picture of a black rose
Autistic Lucario: I didn't say anything else
Autistic Lucario: that I can remember anyway
Autistic Lucario: I thought he had the intelligence to think about what it *could* have meant
Autistic Lucario: I was so wrong
Heather: Is there anything you have that usually calms you?
Autistic Lucario: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZ2DeUsspxY
Autistic Lucario: That, and instrumental music
Heather: Ah, are you liustening to it now?
Autistic Lucario: along with a few NASA audio recordings of the outer planets if I need to sleep
Autistic Lucario: and yes
Heather: Is it helping any?
Autistic Lucario: it's keeping me stable at least
Heather: Any videos that make you laugh?
Autistic Lucario: not anymore
Heather: Is there anything you know I can do right now that may help your mood?
Autistic Lucario: You can help me by answering these questions.
Autistic Lucario: They're thought provoking
Heather: Ok, I can try.
Autistic Lucario: 1: What if the whole world's understanding of how society should be run is deeply flawed and is creating a pyramid caste.
Autistic Lucario: with the most popular being at the top
Autistic Lucario: and people like me known as "defects and rejects" at the bottom
Heather: They say only the strongest can survive, and they cast the weaker aside. It is sad, I've seen it in action played on me and others.
Heather: I think it's flawed. I feel the "weak" are more experiences that the strong.
Heather: typo D<
Autistic Lucario: Now, if you use a bit of demographic logic, we're still human beings, and there's a lot more of us down here than up there.
Autistic Lucario: Since our numbers are stronger, we can demolish this pyramid with time
Autistic Lucario: And get along with each other despite our differences
Autistic Lucario: You're the first person who actually understands.
Heather: I hate when humans arent treated like humans. Some of us are merely a number.
Heather: I believe in a strong utopia, but I cant help but feel it may be futile. I do, however, believe there IS a utopia, but it's in Heaven. There will be no bullies, skinheads, or evil people there.
Autistic Lucario: In my opinion, an ideal socitey would be a generally positive environement where the bullies, skinheads, and evil people are a minority, not the majority.
Autistic Lucario: If there was no evil, we would lose our ability to deal with it should it rise again
Heather: I suppose so.
Heather: I can see that.
Autistic Lucario: sort of like how the Europeans killed so many Native Americans with disease alone.
Autistic Lucario: they had no resistance to it
Heather: Evil is a disease, and it spreads fast.
Autistic Lucario: it's a disease of the soul
Autistic Lucario: heart is pure emotion, and the mind is pure reason
Autistic Lucario: it's your soul that makes you who you are
Autistic Lucario: This reminds me of The Phantom Tollbooth
Heather: Oh my friend loves that book
Autistic Lucario: I feel like Milo
Heather: Do you have a facebook by any chance?
Autistic Lucario: no
Autistic Lucario: I avoid facebook for a reason
Heather: ah ok
Autistic Lucario: Facebook is suspected to be a CIA intelligence gathering site masquerading as another Myspace
Heather: Huh, interesting
Autistic Lucario: Parents cry their eyes out when their kids reveal personal information, yet it happens to just about anyone who uses facebook
Autistic Lucario: that's why I don't use it
Autistic Lucario: Put it this way
Autistic Lucario: their face is in your adress book
Heather: Ha ha I can see that.
Autistic Lucario: You're making such a difference right now
Heather: Any other questions you'd like to discuss? I can stay on as long as you need me to.
Autistic Lucario: many
Autistic Lucario: 2: Is it really a firm and solid fact that miracles can't happen?
Autistic Lucario: My answer is no
Autistic Lucario: they happen all the time
Heather: No, because I dont go by "facts". Man only thinks he knows things, when he most likely doesnt.
Autistic Lucario: Aristotle never had a Ph.D in Philosophy, and look what he accomplished.
Autistic Lucario: Brian Jacuqes never even finished high school, but his English teacher published his first book without him knowing because he was amazed by it.
Heather: Waking up alive each day is a miracle itself. We're not promised tomorrow.
Autistic Lucario: Just like 2012 is such a controversial thing.
Autistic Lucario: To me, it's just a year that's under the spotlight of neo-theo-superstition.
Heather: Ha ha yea, the world will end when it's good and ready.
Heather: But I fear so many people will panic for nothing.
Autistic Lucario: when that time comes, together, you and I will be Sense and Sanity :3
Autistic Lucario: What we're seeing today is a parody of sense and sanity
Heather: My sweet friend, I want you to live and prosper, I feel you have a lot to contribute to the world. And maybe our paths will cross, who knows. Maybe not in this life. Maybe in the afterlife.
Autistic Lucario: I mean take a look at the chairman of the FED, the sole manager of the Dollar, saying he doesn't think gold is money. :/
Autistic Lucario: I think there's more of us out there then I imagined at first
Autistic Lucario: I found a miracle in my contact list
Heather: ^w^
Heather: Where do you live anyway, friend?
Autistic Lucario: England
Heather: Oh wow! Farther than I thought! Ha ha XD
Autistic Lucario: Might be moving to Idaho in a couple of years
Heather: Ah, that'd be swell. You just gotta keep that head up. The present is bleak, but the future is bright and full of adventures!
Autistic Lucario: Tell me if this makes sense
Autistic Lucario: I have a pen, but no paper to write on. You filled that role nicely.
Heather: I think I kinda get it
Autistic Lucario: That's how civilization was made
Autistic Lucario: Which brings me to my third question
Autistic Lucario: 3: Who says the answer to all our problems can be found in our own homes, or even the nearest stationary store?
Autistic Lucario: My answer is: only the ignorant
Autistic Lucario: *can't
Autistic Lucario: glad I caught that >_>
Heather: Oh please! You need more than that to survive this world
Autistic Lucario: I think it's funny how our freedom was forged by the very things our kids use to do their homework with.
Heather: You need inner strength and some good friends
Autistic Lucario: That's exactly what the world needs
Autistic Lucario: We have the tools, but no one with an ambition to craft something with them.
Heather: But everyone wants money, power, fame, and stuff that will never satisfy them
Autistic Lucario: I have an ambition
Autistic Lucario: I told my parents I wanted to be a Philosopher.
Autistic Lucario: Now I realize that I'm already a Philosopher.
Heather: You;d be a mighty fine one
Heather: Not everyone needs a fancy degree to be something they're already good at.
Autistic Lucario: Money is nice, power is nice (if not abused), fame is nice, but why doesn't it satisfy them?
Autistic Lucario: A false sense of "aquired" worth
Autistic Lucario: Human intelligence can be as valuable as diamonds and just as rare
Heather: That is very true.
Heather: But nobody ever hears about acomplished thinkers, it's always celebrities
Heather: Actors and such
Autistic Lucario: The case-rester here is that anyone can create diamonds, using some know-how in Chemistry and geology.
Autistic Lucario: We can, in a scientific sense, pull diamonds out of thin air
Autistic Lucario: and solve our ozone problem while we're at it
Autistic Lucario: takes an incredible amount of effort, but I think it can be done
Autistic Lucario: The question isn't how is it possible? The question is why isn't it?
Autistic Lucario: (grammar goblin)
Heather: Because anything is possible, right?
Autistic Lucario: right
Autistic Lucario: The answer is everywhere
Autistic Lucario: you just have to think about it
Heather: You could right a book. It'd buy it.
Heather: *write
Autistic Lucario: Just like I could right a wrong.
Autistic Lucario:
Autistic Lucario: thanks ^w^
Heather: Do you ever watch documentaries?
Autistic Lucario: In fact, I do plan on writing a book
Autistic Lucario: Ew, documentaries >_>
Heather: Oh, sorry XD
Autistic Lucario: Every time I watch one of them, I can't tell if I'm watching fact or fiction
Autistic Lucario: 2012 should never have gotten in bed with Hollywood
Heather: I think it's interesting to see what people believe.
Autistic Lucario: oh god no x_x
Autistic Lucario: and that's our solution
Autistic Lucario: The mind is an amazing thing that people take for granted
Autistic Lucario: so important in fact that I plan on writing a will eventually that states that my brain will be preserved so it can be used again one day.
Autistic Lucario: Hey, I just noticed that writing like that is easier than defining what I want.
Heather: Thats interesting. I;m just a simple organ donor. I wanted to give someone else a chance at life since I didn;t need to.
Autistic Lucario: If my will goes as planned, I'll be an organ donor too
Heather: I dunno if its the same in England, but here you state you want to be an organ donor when getting your driver's liscense
Autistic Lucario: And why in god's name is that required?
Heather: Oh its not required, they just ask if you want to XD
Autistic Lucario: ah
Autistic Lucario: X3
Autistic Lucario: *walks into driving school*
Autistic Lucario: You want to drive right?"
Autistic Lucario: "
Autistic Lucario: "Will it be your heart, your kidney, or your liver?"
Autistic Lucario: >_> "I'll donate some kinetic energy" *punch*
Heather: Ha ha XD
Heather: What time is it where you are?
Autistic Lucario: 5:20 AM
Heather: Wow thats makes me sleepy. It's only 11:20 p.m. here XD
Heather: I feel hungryt though
Autistic Lucario: I dont ever feel hungry anymore
Autistic Lucario: Not since I came off my old medication
Heather: Ah, well I;m a bit of a fatty P:
Autistic Lucario: I'm a deflating balloon
Autistic Lucario: 180 lb
Autistic Lucario: used to be 200 before July
Heather: I'm 200 lbs now... o.o
Heather: By the way, how do you feel?
Autistic Lucario: great
Autistic Lucario: in that sense
Heather: Awesome :3
Heather: I might pass out here soon.
Autistic Lucario: Now for my 4th question.
Heather: Alright!
Autistic Lucario: 4: Wouldn't it make sense to consider the possibility that I might have a disorder if I show almost every symptom?
Heather: Sounds about right
Autistic Lucario: Including severe anxiery, depression, dissociation, paranoia, and C-PTSD?
Autistic Lucario: all under what's called the autism umbrella?
Heather: Mind if I ask what dissociation is?
Autistic Lucario: What's best known as an out-of-body experience
Heather: Ooooh ok
Autistic Lucario: It's your mind's way of saying "this is too much for me to handle, so I'm going to shut myself off from the world until my problems go away"
Heather: I can understand that. I have a few of those.
Autistic Lucario: I have it all the time, and it's caused some serious problems recently
Autistic Lucario: Such as my pervasive lack of trust in my own parents
Autistic Lucario: Who I once trusted with my life
Heather: I understand. I feel bad because I was able to escape my grandfather who also had anger issues, but you dont have any other family members to take you in...
Autistic Lucario: C-PTSD is Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and is quite different from what you're used to hearing about PTSD.
Autistic Lucario: It fits my case quite well because I have most of the symptoms that go with PTSD, just that it's a "homegrown" trauma
Autistic Lucario: Being stuck here as a loner and unable to do anything or go anywhere without my parents is a form of captivity
Autistic Lucario: the trauma built up over many months as a repetitive cycle
Autistic Lucario: rather than a single event
Heather: I believe your mind will come up with some loophole to get yourself away from there.
Autistic Lucario: the incident with my dad is what blossomed out of the last 17 month
Autistic Lucario: s
Autistic Lucario: 17 months of "I'm the father, you're the child"
Autistic Lucario: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKi_Y88G_mM
Autistic Lucario: or more fittingly, this
Heather: Yet they are reluctant to let you go.
Heather: Because they probably need to feel that power over you to feel significant
Autistic Lucario: exactly
Autistic Lucario: they know I have problems
Autistic Lucario: You don't need a professional to point out that you have problems. :/
Autistic Lucario: just like you don't need a college degree in Writing to write a book
Autistic Lucario: College is a ripoff IMO
Autistic Lucario: it's just a piece of paper that you pay tens of thousands of $$$ just to be able to work
Autistic Lucario: you can get the same education in the library for nothing
Autistic Lucario: that's why books were written
Heather: Ha ha well I pay nothing for my college, the government does XD
Heather: However I dont know what I'd do with a degree
Autistic Lucario: well, don't take it personally, but the taxpayers pay for it
Autistic Lucario: It's just a symbol of status
Autistic Lucario: doesn't make you any more intelligent because you already did the studying
Heather: Yea, I still dont know what to do with my life.
Autistic Lucario: you have a career option before your eyes
Autistic Lucario: Philosphy
Autistic Lucario: Writing
Autistic Lucario: if you can have this conversation with me, then you can write a potential Nobel Prize
Autistic Lucario: I sure can
Heather: Ha ha indeed. When I was a child I wanted to be a writer
Autistic Lucario: you can still be a writer
Autistic Lucario: it's only too late when a big slab of stone says so
Heather: Thats true.
Autistic Lucario: Now, it's natural for anyone to judge people based on pre-existing conditions, especially a mix of several.
Autistic Lucario: That doesn't mean we're unable to think
Heather: I know....I've been judged before for my conditions
Autistic Lucario: Feels like Miranda from Drake and Josh makes the rules for fair social judgement, doesn't it?
Heather: Ha ha yes
Autistic Lucario: To dad, I'm a violent criminal.
Autistic Lucario: What am I to you?
Heather: A friend
Autistic Lucario: Therefore to dad, you're a friend of a violent criminal. See how society is so wrong?
Heather: I can see that.
Autistic Lucario: In the laws of society, you're guilty until proven innocent.
Heather: I think after a certain age, parents shouldnt eb able to control their children
Autistic Lucario: especially if I'm of legal age to marry and have children of my own.
Heather: Will you be on again tomorrow? My eyes are failing me due to sleepiness.
Autistic Lucario: sure :3
Heather: Ha ha I'd hate to leave if you still need me though :3
Autistic Lucario: it's ok :3
Autistic Lucario: You've done so much for me just by listening
Autistic Lucario: and giving me an honest answer
Heather: Okay, well, if you do manage to sleep tonight, sleep well, and I will very much pray and hope that you;re day tomorrow is fine.
Heather: I should be on at the same time if not earlier.
Autistic Lucario: I see you all the time, I shouldn't have a hard time finding you X3
Heather is typing...
Heather: Ha ha ok, nice chatting with you! *hugs*
Autistic Lucario: *hugs back* same here :3
Is this really such a hard thing to do?
Last edited by Cat333Pokémon; March 10, 2012 at 06:09:18 PM.
I read the entire thing. Looks like my problems are minimal in comparison. XD
Wow, this Heather character is good at this. I would've tried, but unfortunately I handle other people's problems horribly, mostly because I have no idea what to say, and I just...I guess I can't really comprehend situations of this severity. But I guess this Heather person did. I could tell that Heather had a vast knowledge of what you were going through, and slowly and surely I could see your beginning depressed tone rise to a happier sense.
While this may not solve your problems entirely, I'm glad you found someone who really can. If you right write a book, then maybe you could mention this person. I dunno, but I'm glad you found someone that you can confide trustingly in. Hang in there.
Having friends is your main way of solving your problem. Not having a proper family and being a loner for such a long time are depressing enough, even without your medical problems.
Due to my lack of knowledge of how things work in the U.S, I might not be of a great help, but I can see that befriending Heather is an important and successful step. I am certain that there are more people like this person, who would grow as very caring friends of yours. Moreover, I suggest going to a therapist or an institution in no time. Usually, here in Dubai or in my country, a person like you would call the police, who would help him overcome his problems by directing him to therapists/institutions. If the police over there is not that nice, then I recommend you to fight your way to reach such a place; it might provide you with all the help you need.
November 6, 2011, 08:56:51 PM
This is how you help someone who's suffering
